I think I just realized the meaning of the word home and why it's such a big deal to own your own home. I just had maintenance in my apartment building bust into my place at 9 a.m. I had just woken up and was barely focusing with my contacts in and teeth brushed when I heard them banging (that's right, BANGING) on the door and then when I didn't answer  right away they went banging on my bedroom window. That window isn't stable anyway and they were banging on it. When I finally answered the door, I told them it was unacceptable to me that they would bang on the window and they started yelling at me that it was acceptable and they could do whatever they hell they wanted because they had the manager's authority and there was a leak somewhere in the apartment and they needed to fix that. I told them I understood they had a job to do but it was still unacceptable that they would bang on my window.

They were in my bathroom for 15 minutes and then let me know (in a very snippy way) that they had "found the leak" and were coming back to fix it. So now I'm stuck, dying to shower because TOM came this morning, looking like a beast because I just got out of bed, waiting for these guys to come back.

If I had my own place, I know it would be up to me to call someone to come and  fix something but it would be on MY TIME, not anyone else's. And I wouldn't have to take getting yelled at because it's not my place but someone else's. I just realized how I have to allow myself to be treated this way because I'm a little renter who pays the money every month on a property that isn't mine.

If anything, though, that makes me more determined to get myself out of here and out of Lubbock and into my own place, wherever it may be.

Not feeling my best today at all. Very headache and the lower back ache is back. I think it's stress. It's been a very tough week. I had a lot of grading to do and the classes I have this time seem to be filled with people who aren't as strong as my other classes have been lately. These are classes that aren't the first classes these students have done so it's a little disappointing. It's funny how I'm finding that my first-class students do much better than those who have taken classes before. It just doesn't make sense.

I'm stressed today because I have to post grades from last week and the assignments I've graded and I'm pretty sure that for the research writing class, there's going to be a general feeling of shock. I get the impression that these students did not have instructors that were as demanding as maybe I am (or maybe just didn't have many writing courses before this one). Also, it's their first full assignment that they're getting back and that's always the hardest and most shocking because they're trying to figure out what my expectations are. I'm steeling myself for a couple of "it's not fair" replies although hopefully these students know enough about college level work by now to know that flaming their instructor is not the way to go. One thing that I've noticed is that since I started giving extensive comments for each assignment (not required by any of the universities I've worked for so far) I'm getting less complaints about grades. My goal with this is to get them to improve their writing but it's also to make them understand exactly what they did wrong and avoid grade disputes. So far it has worked out fine

In fact, I got a lovely post out of the blue from one student in my essay writing class. There was really no provocation since I hadn't posted any assignments back to her at that point. But she posted a note thanking me for giving back so much feedback and saying how she appreciated it and how she was amazed that I could keep up with everyone and give so much of myself for the sake of my students. It couldn't have come at a better time because I was feeling very down about the lack of quality I was seeing in all the assignments I was grading (though it was mostly not for her class but for the advanced writing class). It was a wonderful reminder that I have to hang in there - that these students are smart and dedicated and that they will "get it" with time and those who don't work for it are going to take that responsibility and I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm proud of the way I approach my work (although I know I'm picky about details and I need to watch that) because this isn't just a job for me - I'm doing work that is worth something for the first time in my life (helping adult students get through their college coursework so they can graduate and move up in their careers - especially in this crummy economy, what could be better than that?) and this is really a career for me and one I want to keep.

I got an offer yesterday, forwarded to me by the woman who is taking care of the scheduling or the GRE stuff. This is also a scoring job, a short term one (for a few weeks in April) for the California State college system. Students take a writing assessment test that places them in first year writing courses (i.e., freshman comp, developmental writing,etc.) so they need scorers. I'm seriously considering applying for it for a few reasons. The extra money would be nice (although I don't know what they're paying and it probably isn't very much) and for a few weeks I could squeeze it into my schedule (especially since Ashford hasn't yet offered me a new course). I also want to show the ETS people that I'm willing to take opportunities so I get offered more in the future. And it's work for the California UC system in a way, even if it's through ETS - that might open doors for me in future when I do eventually get to CA. One thing they mention in the criteria is "teaching credentials" I don't know if this means a high school teaching certificate or just teaching experience, so I may not even qualify. But it's nice to see doors opening.

Menu for today
Morning: tofu scramble with zucchini, steel cut oats or oatmeal with chopped pecans and maple syrup; coffee with soy creamer
Mid-Morning: berry fruit smoothie with tofu
Afternoon: beans and rice with soy sauce and mustard sauce; roasted yellow squash
Mid-afternoon: creamy tomato soup, homemade trail mix
Evening: Greek salad (with beans instead of feta cheese), vegan dark chocolate
Exercise: walk and firm DVD (30 minutes), yoga (40 minutes)

I've had NPR on the radio listening to the inauguration although I knew it would make me over-emotional. Very moving.

I can't help but think of my mother. It's a strange and rather ironic situation. Back in 1986 when my parents decided to move back to Israel for good, they had a choice to make - would they finally get their US citizenship (up until then I think they were living on greencards) or would they leave the US without one (neither of them expected to come back to the US permanently and they haven't)? For my dad, this was a huge decision because he grew up so much pro-Israel, into the youth movements of the time (it was a historical things to, since he's of the post-Holocaust generation) and he admitted that he felt getting a US citizenship was a betrayal, even though Israel is one of the few countries that allows a dual citizenship. The surprising things was that my mom was the one who convinced him. My mom, who had always resented coming to the US and staying so long (not to imply she never loved the US - she did and still does. But she never felt it was her country and never tried to make it so). It still amazes me that my mom had the foresight to recognize that even though the US was not her country or my father's, my brother, sister, and I were in a different position. We grew up here (especially my sister and I) and our whole childhood was here and a major part of our identity is here. She knew that and she recognized (with a heavy heart, I'm sure) that we would probably want to come back here and a US citizenship would make it that much easier. It's also somewhat amazing that my dad gave in to her, since he doesn't usually do that.

The bigger issue was, of course, not so much the citizenship for them, but for my sister and I. I feel so fortunate because since I was 16, the citizenship wasn't a struggle for me - I got it through my parents (being underage). My brother, for example, had to work harder for it because he was already in college and an adult and had to get it himself (and of course we have to  remember this was all pre9/11 when citizenships were less complicated to get.

I say it was  a risk for my mom because I know that last thing she wanted was all her kids to live in the US permanently. I think she knew deep down  that it would happen (and it has). I know she resented that for years and felt that the US took away her children. But I also know that now she doesn't feel that way anymore and she accepts that we need to live here and respects that.

Anyway, some strange associations and reflections this inauguration day...

After a very difficult and hectic week, today is actually lighter :). I somehow managed to clean up all the work I had to do for this week (except for some discussion grading) so today I only have to post the weekly materials (but for 5 classes!!!). That means that hopefully I'll be able to get a little bit ahead, since next week is starting off hectic (4 classes worth of grading assignments and two are big classes) plus I'm hoping to get started with the GRE grading.

I did get some writing yesterday, mainly just typing out the story, though. This story I've been debating whether or not the male cousin should know that his female cousin is stealing from the tourists of the hotel he's trying to make successful. On the one hand, his character, which is supposed to be someone with a work ethic and a much higher sense of integrity than his female cousin, would be the type to condemn her stealing. But on the other, there's the rebellious aspect of stealing from the hand that feeds you (so to speak) and also an issue with her getting involved with one particular tourist who is marking her for a daughter-in-law (which the female cousin has no desire to be) and the plot centers around the immoral act he commits to get her money, which is what he thinks his cousin wants (but there's a more complicated issue of family going on here). I think, though, I'm compromising - I picture the situation as the female cousin being employed as a hostess to entertain guests who ask for it (like a guide) and the male cousin thinks she is doing all honest work but she is also manipulating the tourists she works with to get them to give her things like clothes and money and jewelry (which she hocks and gives him the money to help pay for the bills).

Menu for the day:
Morning: Tofu scramble with bell pepper and olives; oat bran with maple syrup and chopped nuts
Mid-Morning: fruit tofu smoothie
Afternoon: couscous and beans with tomato sauce and some vinegar for kick; roasted carrots and chopped broccoli
Mid-Afternoon: homemade trail mix
Evening: salad with tomatoes, beans, and corn and a sour vinigrette (i.e., olive oil, red wine vinegar and apple cider vinegar); vegan dark  chocolate chips (instead of the fudge I'm going to try this and see how it works, since it means less time in the kitchen)
Exercise: 20 minute DVD walking; maybe 10 minutes resistance

There are days when my work is very frustrating and yesterday was certainly one of those days. I had a lot of grading to do and my classes just didn't seem to get what I was telling them (not from lack of intelligence but from laziness and not reading what I was posting for them). One class gave me an overwhelming majority of informative topics for their paper when I posted that the paper was supposed to be persuasive. Another class seems to suddenly go illiterate when I mention the concept of details in writing. One student had the gall to say that the assignment said details but he wasn't sure what that meant. Are you freaking kidding me??? What the hell have I been saying the last month in class, dude!!!

I constantly have found that I have to readjust my expectations with higher level classes. This happened when  I taught literature a few months ago. It's one of those second-level classes and I expected the students to have gotten the importance of learning and college work at this point since it wasn't their first class. Needless to say, I had a lot of Cs, Ds, and Fs in that class (although, ironically, the student evaluations weren't particularly bad). Here it's the same thing. The comp course is the second block of courses these students are taking and not their first writing course so I expected them to get the concept of details but I'm constantly getting crap work that is generic from them ("I think this resource will be useful to me for my paper." - yeah, so what??? Why should I care if you don't tell me how and why???) The research writing class is their third block, so I expected they get by now that if the instructor posts something, they better read it. And the majority did not. I let them know that this was not going to work for that class so I'm hoping they will get it.

That said, I will say one thing for the second class - they really came up with some awesome topic for their research papers and some that really went out of the box. It's nice to know I'm not going to be reading 20 essays on drugs or gas prices :D

Planned on doing my shopping this morning but when I figured out my work load for the day, I decided to hold off until tomorrow. It sucks that I only have a 48 hour window to grade certain assignments, but I knew that a long time ago and I'm getting it done. This week was really really tough because of that class I had extra to get in my grading and the fact that I'm juggling one more class than I thought I would.

On the plus side, the GRE people said they wanted to get me scheduled for grading before the end of Feb to get my feet wet and asked for my availability next week. So I might actually be getting work from them earlier than I thought. I haven't gotten asked from university #2 to teach a class yet (I'm done with that class on Monday), but I'm actually ok with that right now. I have a lot of work at this point and although I won't reject a class if they offer me one, I'm grateful to be working a lot right now and have more than I can handle.

I didn't get a chance to write this morning, which is a bummer but I'm planning on it tonight, even if it's just typing. I actually was thinking about a new novel idea (not to write for now - I have enough!) that was inspired by a movie I saw yesterday (called "Elephant Walk") It's something about a woman in her mid-30's who goes with her fiance on a long tour in the jungle because he is a scientist and she is a photographer and the guide that takes them through falls in love with her. I don't want to make it a standard romance exactly, so all the details aren't fixed yet at all. But the idea of being at peace with nature vs trying to control nature (which is what the fiance represents) is something that came up for me.

Menu for today:
Morning: tofu scramble with yellow squash; oatmeal with chopped nuts
Mid-Morning: Tofu berry smoothie
Afternoon: homemade BBQ beans and rice; roasted eggplant (this is so yummy - better than french fries :D)
Mid-afternoon: homemade trail mix or Luna bar
Evening: salad with vinigarette and sundried tomatoes, beans and corn; homemade vegan fudge
Exercise: walk and firm 30 minutes

Staying within the idea of getting out of my comfort zone for 2009, I did something this morning that I haven't done in years - I woke up a little earlier (nothing earth-shattering - 9:30 a.m.), made some coffee, and wrote. I got an hour in before anything else. I have a ton of stuff to do today but I feel really calm now that I know I've done some writing for the day. Despite my determination to schedule me time this year, the last few days I got into old habits of working all day and then crashing in front of the tube from fatigue. This week, though, is hectic because I'm juggling so many classes but next week will hopefully be a bit better.

Yesterday was hell! I didn't realize that my research writing classes were packed (20 students per class) and I had grading to do. I was grading their final paper topics so it shouldn't have been that big a deal. The problem was that most of them didn't read the additional information I gave about the paper that it was supposed to be persuasive rather than informative so many of them described their topic in informational terms. So I had a lot of comments I had to put in. There's no doubt that giving extensive comments on every single assignment, even though it's not required of me, is what's taking the most time to do. But I've found that students really learn much better that way and I've had several students tell me that their other instructors for other classes never did this and they always felt that the instructors were just giving them a grade for completing the work. So I know a lot of them appreciate it, although there are also those who are similar to my SD students - expectations were always set so low for them that they expected to get an A just by warming the chair with their butts :).

Good news yesterday. I got an email from the ETS people asking to give my availability for scheduling work. I didn't expect it so soon, since this is supposedly not the peak season for GRE scoring. There were whole day shifts but right now there is absolutely no way I can consider doing whole day. So I had to go for the half-day shifts. The projected start of this work is going to be the end of Feb (from my understanding) so there's still some time, which is actually good. But I'm glad that it's looking like that will work out. Since there are set hours, I chose the times that would force me to wake up early, since I would have to be able to get other work done after the shifts as well.

Menu for today
Morning: tofu scramble with zucchini; oat bran with maple syrup and chopped walnuts
Mid-Morning: tofu berry smoothie
Afternoon: pearl barley and beans - not sure how I'll do it yet - I might add some lemon juice; roasted cauliflower and yellow squash
Mid-Afternoon: pumpkin or tomato soup (I haven't had this all week - just haven't felt like it); homemade trail mix
Evening: salad with homemade russian dressing (mainly an olive oil/vinegar dressing with some tomato paste and paprika added), beans, peas; homemade vegan fudge
Exercise: walking DVD (20 minutes), 10 minutes of resistance; yoga (maybe)

I've figured out why I'm having all of these headaches/migraines this week. Other stuff has been going on to let me know the reason (won't mention them here...) but let's just say I know it's temporary :).

I got an email from an old friend from my San Francisco days (it was a reply to my email to a group of friends about my possibly coming back to SF, which isn't going to be for a while, if at all) and said Fri or Sat are a good time to call her. It's weird, but I have a phobia of the phone - I'm not sure what it is. I think it's the fact that my mom is so phone-crazy and used to call me up when I was doing my BA nearly every day and then there's this "you'd better call once every two weeks or I'll call the police" (don't laugh - she did something similar one year when my sister and I neglected to call them on our birthday weekend - she called the neighbors and it was very embarrassing although I don't think she'd go quite so far now as then). So there's an association with nagging and intrusion with using the phone for me. I'm probably the only person in America who has a phone only because they need one and try to avoid using it at all costs.

But this year I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone in a way so I want to call my friend and chat with her. I'm also feeling isolated here and I know keeping in touch with friends is going to really make me feel less isolated.

I forgot to add another resolution to my list:
- Take at least 3 professional development courses with my universities this year.

I neglected to do this last year, mainly because I was just too swamped with doing the work to think about doing professional development. One of my universities offers a lot of them each month, all online, and they're not mandatory but I've wanted to do a few at least for a while. So this year I'm going to make the commitment to do at least 3 of them. My other university offers them now and then, but they've all been mandatory so far (like the one on sexual harassment that I have to do this month) so no problem there.

I got a chance to check the faculty message boards for one of my universities yesterday (another resolution - to check that more often) and there was an interesting discussion that came up - should students who lack basic writing skills be allowed to attend the university? One thing I've noticed with the schools I work for and those I've applied for is that they don't have a developmental writing course offered. This makes sense, actually, since dev writing is something that needs a lot of attention and time and isn't really appropriate for an online class where there's no face-to-face interaction. I was surprised to find that there were many instructors who felt that these students should not be allowed in the university and if there wasn't an open enrollment policy, they would not be.

My take on it (and keep in mind I'm still new to teaching in an open-enrollment environment) is that it's not my place to judge whether a student should or should not be allowed to enter a university. I think the will to learn can overcome some obstacles (although it's not going to make someone a good writer if they weren't taught the basic skills in the first place). One of the joys of teaching adult learners so far has been that they really do put in as much effort as they can, at least 90% of the time - I've never felt that pure laziness has been the reason for someone not succeeding.

One thing that I do question, though, is whether someone who really doesn't have basic writing skills (and I'm talking here not about someone who has a bunch of grammatical errors but someone who's writing is consistently incomprehensible, not for lack of trying, but for lack of the basics) is whether online learning is right for them. I think a student like that needs the extra resources that a community college has and that an online university cannot have, as well as a face-to-face environment. In my view, that students would have a much better chance of succeeding with this extra help than with an online learning system that does have its limitations.

Naturally, I would never say that to a student, and in fact, an not allowed (since that's the advisor's job, not mine). I've felt helpless to really do anything more than point to the problem but in this thread in the faculty forums, someone gave a couple of websites with online writing labs which now gives me at least some resources to give to these students. So I feel better about that now.

Menu for today:
Morning: Tofu scramble with red bell pepper and olives; oatmeal with maple syrup and chopped walnuts
Mid-Morning: tofu berry smoothie
Afternoon: couscous and beans with tomato sauce; sliced eggplant grilled in the oven
Mid-Afternoon: creamy pumpkin soup (maybe); homemade trail mix
Evening: Greek salad without the feta cheese but with beans instead; homemade vegan fudge
Exercise: Walk and Firm DVD (30 minutes); yoga (if my back is up for it)

I didn't wake up as early as I wanted to today (but not terribly later than usual - 10:30) probably because I developed a migraine last night and had a hard time falling asleep. But I got done what I wanted to get done yesterday with my grading and I'm tackling discussions today for my classes. I actually enjoy discussions - I just wish there weren't so damn many of them :).

I got a chance to do some writing yesterday as well (though no yoga - I might hold off on the yoga for this week until my back feels a little better). I'm actually not doing a lot of new writing so far. I started writing two of my novels by hand but I find that typing directly on the computer gives me a much better sense of the story (that's one thing I took away from NaNo last year). So now I'm working on transferring writing I've already done to the computer and then continue on from there. It's a bit of a drag but it's also nice to see the pages mount up.

Here's my word count so far for all three novels:

Owl: 11,902
The Dark-Haired Daughter: 14,548
Tessa's Retreat: 21,283 (this was my NaNo project)

Right now the main thing that's bothering me about the first two novels is that I started out writing them as humor but from the feedback I've gotten from writing boards, they're not really humor (although some said there are humorous bits in them). I'm not particularly set on writing humor, as I started it more as a way of getting the stories off the ground and out of the rut I was feeling with the weighty "literary" stuff I was trying to write (and that I don't think is really my voice). The tone isn't so much what bothers me more than I know there are bits in the stories that are really more to get the effect of laughter and don't add much to the story. I'm trying not to be the editor at this point, though, since this is still the first draft. So I'm gritting my teeth and typing out everything, knowing that when I start to revise, I can cut those parts out or revise them so that they are relevant.

Menu for today:
Morning: Tofu scramble with zucchini; oat bran cereal with chopped nuts and maple syrup
Mid-Morning: Berry tofu smoothie
Afternoon: pearl barley and beans with barbque sauce; roasted broccoli
Mid-Afternoon: creamy tomato soup; homemade trail mix
Evening: Salad with artichoke hearts, peas, and beans in a homemade vinigrette; homemade fudge (trying it with cocoa powder this time instead of carob; carob is nice but I miss my chocolate :D)
Exercise: 20 minute brisk walk DVD and 10 minutes upper body resistance exercises; yoga (if my back is feeling better)

Here are my resolutions for the new year (I know, this should have been done two weeks ago, but that's typical of me to get to it late ;)):

- Work on improving my teaching skills and working as much as I can with the online schools, but not to the point of feeling overwhelmed.
- Save a little money each month, even if it's only a few hundred dollars (Suzi Orman's tip: Make sure to have 8 months worth of living expenses saved in your account, since you never know what will happen with this crappy job market and how long you might be out of a job). I know if I have 8 months worth of bill paying saved up in my account, I will feel much calmer about my financial situation.
- Stay vegan and whole foods, eating healthy and exercising - focus on feeling good and healthy, not on losing weight (I know that will come as a byproduct)
- Start to do research for a possible move to California next year (if I can afford it!)
- Write every day, even if it's just for 20 minutes - try to finish at least one of my novels this year
- Give myself some "Me" time every day - this has been one of the biggest problems I've had this past year. Now I'm scheduling my Me time for the morning, afternoon, and night (hence, the blogging)
- Wake up at a normal hour in the morning - another big reason why I was feeling so overwhelmed this past year - I couldn't get my butt out of bed early enough! My goals is to wake up at 8 a.m. every day. So far I've been waking up at 10, but hey, that's a whole lot better than the 11 and noon I was doing most days in 2008 :D.

Yesterday was rough, work wise, but I knew it would be. For some reason, the timing of my courses for one of my schools turned out to be juggling 6 courses at once (although one ended on Sun so I'm just doing the final grading this week for them). Usually, their cap is 4 courses. I was sure someone would catch on to the fact that I was assigned more than the minimum but no one did (which is a good sign - it means they really need instructors to teach what I teach). So for the next 3 weeks or so I'll be juggling 5 courses with this place instead of the usual 4. I'm not complaining - I could use the money - but it is the first time I have so many courses all at once. The most I've done is 4 and that was only TAing. Now I'm at 7 courses at once (1 from the other university I teach for). It's pretty cool, though - I'm teaching business writing, composition, and research writing among the courses.

I also finally got around to doing the GRE certification exam to be a grader for them during the last few weeks of December, since both my colleges were on winter break. It was pretty hectic trying to study up for it and then doing the exams (which is why I now have lower back pains which I haven't had in years - the aftermath of the stress) but I managed to pass. I haven't heard a word from them (doesn't surprise me) and I'm guessing I won't for a while, since this isn't the peak season for GRE exams. But if I don't hear from them by the end of this month, I'll shoot them an email to ask what's going on. If they say they have no work for me right now, I may have to get my resume back out there and add one more university to my list. I'd like to have at least 3 on my list so if one fails to give me courses, I'm not totally broke.

Menu for today
Morning: Tofu scramble with red pepper and online and some olives; oatmeal with a little chopped walnuts; decaf tea
Mid-Morning: Smoothie with berries and tofu and some ground flaxseed
Afternoon: Beans and rice; roasted green beans
Mid-Afternoon: Quick creamy pumpkin soup (canned pumpkin, soy milk, and veggie broth heated up - makes a nice quick and filling soup); homemade trail mix
Evening: Big salad with salsa vinigrette, beans and corn
Night: homemade carob fudge (from my raw days - basically mashed date, carob, ground almonds, a dash of maple syrup, and a dash of flaxseed oil for moisture rolled into balls and refrigerated)
Exercise: Walk and Firm DVD with Leslie Sansome (about 30 minutes but it's a tough one!); yoga (if my back can take it)
Lots of water!

I've never really bothered much about thinking of the connections between writing and food, but I'm starting to see that it does affect me. I'm not talking about the obvious stuff (like the nasty sugar and refined carbs that zone you out) but healthy foods that help or hinder writing. The past few days I've been doing a lot of dairy (so no vegan), very little whole grains and fruit, lots of "fake" stuff like veggie hot dogs and artificial sweeteners. I'm still trying to drop the 25 pounds that have stuck on me the past two years from stress eating and won't come off. I haven't written much those days, only a little (an average of 500 words a day). Today I broke the high protein thing and had some carbs (though not as good as they should have been) and I just had 45 minutes of very good writing. I wrote a scene in a restaurant with my MC and the people she's going to get involved with throughout the book and a lot of surprises went on. It can get dicey to try and write conversations, especially "getting to know you" conversations because it can get too forced ("So where did you used to live?" "Oh, Colorado" "And were you married?" "Sure, for ten years"... blah blah blah :D). But this conversation sounded natural to me as far as who the characters are so I'm very happy about that. And word count was three times more than I've done in the past few days.

So I'm doing a food overhaul tomorrow and keeping it all natural (absolutely no fake stuff), with lots of veggies, fruits, whole grains, beans, and good fats. I'm going back to veganism because I think I need to get away from dairy for good. I'm hoping that healthy eating will do me good as a writer - certainly can't hurt!